Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services
Grand Rapids, Michigan
- Days left: 15
- Spiritual status: Jewish (pending)
- Dietary status: Vegetarian (pending); Kosher (pending)
- Marital status: Hamlet (and Ophelia); What Dreams May Come
- Individual status: Good Will Hunting; Ordinary People
- Mental status: Borderline
- Mood status: Unspecified bipolar illness (DSM IV)
- Personality status: Fuck your materialistic love; And while you’re down there, fuck you. And you too; Vogue.
- Visitor rights: Revoked
From the journal of Jeannie M. Hahl
February 14, 2017
Determined I was mentally ill (unspecified bipolar illness) and other drug dependence (weed). Unsafe behavior–could result in injury to myself (what might happen if I speak up in here?)
From the journal of Jeannie M. Hahl
February 14, 2017
Called a rabbi tonight (616) 949-2840.
When will I be released?
Male nurse = Eric. I thought he was german [unintelligible]. He’s being a dick. I don’t have time for that shit.
Who have I met with BP I & II:
- Chicky, 59 yo
- Sunshine 41, yo
- M’sama, 40 yo
by Jeannie M. Hahl, A.A., B.A. M.S.
I got flowers on Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2017 from my husband. How sweet . . .
The French are glad to die for love; they delight in fighting duels. But, I prefer a man who lives and gives expensive jewels . . .But, I prefer a man who lives and gives expensive jewels.
A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but diamonds are a girl’s best friend. A kiss may be grand, but it won’t pay the rental on your humble flat. Or, help you at the automat. Men grow cold, as girls grow old. And we all lose our charms in the end.
But, square-cut or pearl-shaped, these rocks don’t lose their shape. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.
Black Starr…Frost Gorham…
Talk to me, Harry Winston, tell me all about it!
There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer, but diamonds are a girl’s best friend. There may come a time when a hard-boiled employer thinks you’re awful nice, but get that ice or else no dice . He’s your guy when stocks are high, but beware when they start to descend. It’s then that those louses go back to their spouses. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.
I’ve heard of affairs that are strictly platonic, but diamonds are a girl’s best friend. And I think that affairs that you must keep liasonic are better bets when little pets get big baguettes.
Time rolls on and youth is gone and you can’t straighten up when you bend. But, stiff back or stiff knees, you stand straight at Tiffany’s . . .
Diamonds . . . Diamonds . . .
I don’t mean rhinestones . . .
But diamonds are a girl’s best friend.
Then, Let’s Make Love comes to mind.
If you roared like a lion, I could coo like a dove. Baby, let’s make love . . .
Have you seen, Lydia . . .Lydia, the tattooed lady? You can learn a lot from Lydia . . .
Then, the mind returns to Some Like It Hot.
What’s the matter with you, anyway? I used to sing with male bands, but I can’t take it anymore . . .Hey! Sheboygan . . .!
She killed herself, Marilyn. But, before suicide in the nude, there was Marilyn and Ella Fitzgerald. There was Marilyn and Jane Fonda. Marilyn and Queen Elizabeth and Brigitte Bardot. Marilyn and Arthur Miller and John Huston. Marilyn and Clark Gable. Marilyn and Montgomery Clift, a gay-but-passing heartthrob. There was Marilyn and Montgomery Clift and Clark Gable. There was Marilyn and Montgomery Clift and an injection on the set of The Misfits.
To my friend, Roslyn. I want you to meet my kids . . .
The Making of the Misfits saw the destruction of Marilyn and Arthur Miller’s marriage. She kept angrily vacuuming and showing up to set 2 hours late. He kept forcing John Huston to take another close-up.
She was difficult during The Making of Some Like It Hot, too. I remember hearing about that during a Billy Wilder explosion at Taos Co-op in 2000. She couldn’t remember her lines. Eh, she was probably drugged the fuck up. She’d lost another baby; this time it was Arthur’s. Her third marriage. He was Jewish. She’d converted before the wedding.
- Fun fact: Arthur Miller and Lawrence Kasden went to U of M. Madonna did, too. So does Lourdes Ciccone Leon.
I approached the nurse’s station and spit out: “You can’t give me a shot tonight, because I took my meds and if you give me a shot, you might OD me. You fucking cunts . . .”
I know how to be mean; ask Ben. I know how to be a rich, white woman; ask the U of M. I know how to fight when I’m cornered and caged; ask Pine Rest. I know how to perform able-mindedness and able-bodiedness on drugs; ask plenty of people. I’d been through some rigorous training 1998-1999.
I know how to perform all kids of theater, just act people who knew me from 1980-2017. Just like a headstone . . .
And then I stumbled and the Pine Rest staff were worried. But, I wouldn’t go to bed. I refused to sleep like a baby. Fuck Pine Rest. That was the third day in row that I’d requested a kosher meal and was denied. The third day in a row that I’d requested a rabbi and was denied. The third day in a row that my visitation rights were revoked. They didn’t know me very well yet.
And there were flowers. How lovely. It was Valentine’s Day, 2017. Fuck flowers. Where were the diamonds?
Clowns to the left of me; jokers to the right . . .Into the mystic . . . I don’t have to fear it and I wanna rock your gypsy soul just like way back in the days of old. It’s a marvelous night for a moondance . . .a fantabulous night to make romance . . .
What if God was one of us . . .People living their lives for you on TV they say their better than you and you agree . . . another doctors’ bill . . . you know you love him if you put him in your will . . . who will save your soul? You were meant for me and I was meant for you . . . I grab my eggs and my pancakes too. Got the maple syrup; everything but you . . . I wipe the spots up after me; don’t leave the keys in the door. Dreams last for so long; even after you’re gone and I know you love me and soon you will see. You were meant for me and I was meant for you.
If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad . . .I belong a long way from here . . . Found Geronimo’s rifle, Marilyn’s shampoo, and Benny Goodman’s cursive pen . . . I promised you I’d never give up. The first cut is the deepest. I would have given you all of my heart, but there’s someone who’s torn it apart and he’s taken just all that I had . . .Are you strong enough to be my man? Nothing’s true and nothing’s right so let me be alone tonight. You can’t change the way I am; are you strong enough to be my man? Lie to me, I promise I’ll believe . . . but please don’t leave. Have a face I cannot show; make the rules up as I go. Just try and love me if you can; are you strong enough to be my man?
Landslide: Took my love and I took it down . . . I saw my reflection in the snowcovered hills ’til the landslide brought me down. Can the child within my heart rise above? And can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don’t know . . . I’ve been afraid of changing because I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder; children get older. I’m getting older too.
I’ve been afraid of changin’ because I built my life around you . . . And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills; mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don’t know . . .
Mountain top water drop. You’re on top of the mountain of success. But, one day you start sliding down the mountain and you say, wait a minute, I’m a mountain top water drop . . . Life’s a journey that goes round and round and the end is closest to the beginning. So, if it’s change you need, relish the journey. Gravity. Evaporation. Love. Creativity. It’s in the darkest moments is when the cracks allow the light to come out. But, the spotlights don’t let you see the inner light.
And I was Ophelia and I’d married Hamlet who couldn’t act until his hand was forced by suicidal ideation. And then, I was Hamlet.
Supplemental Viewing and Reading:
Hamlet: To be or not to be. That is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Or, to take arms against a sea of troubles and, by opposing, end them. To sleep perchance to dream. Aye, there’s the rub. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil.
21st Academy Awards (1949)
- Best Actor: Laurence Olivier (Hamlet)
- Best Picture: Hamlet
- Art Direction: Hamlet and The Red Shoes
- Costume Design: Hamlet and Joan of Arc
- Best Picture: Hamlet
Dr. Berger: Now you can live with that, can’t you?
Conrad: I’m scared.
Dr. Berger: Feelings are scary and sometimes they’re painful. And if you can’t feel pain, you can’t feel anything else either. You know what I’m saying?
Conrad: I think so.
Dr. Berger: You’re here and you’re alive and don’t tell me you can’t feel that.
Conrad: It doesn’t feel good.
Conrad: Oh, hi how are you?
Dr. Berger: Jarrett. . . I just have to wires . . . volume. Sit down. Have trouble finding the place?
Conrad: Not yet.
Dr. Berger: How long since you’ve been out of the hospital?
Conrad: You’re the doctor.
Dr. Berger: Don’t take refuge in one-liners, ok? Because that pisses me off.
Cal: I used to think I was a lucky person, before the accident. I guess the whole of life is nothing but luck . . . Maybe I am drifting a little. I can see myself and I can see the two of them standing there.
Cal: You are beautiful. And you are unpredictable. But, you’re so cautious. You’re determined, Beth. But, you know something–you’re not strong. And I don’t know if you’re really giving. Tell me something, do you love me? Do you really love me?
Beth: I feel the way I’ve always felt about you.
Cal: We would’ve been alright, if there hadn’t been any mess. And you can’t handle mess. You need everything neat and easy. I don’t know. Maybe you can’t love anybody. So much Buck; when buck died you burried all your love with him. Maybe it wasn’t Buck, maybe it was you. Maybe it was the best of you that you burried. Well, whatever it was. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what we’ve been playing at. So, I was crying. Because I don’t know if I love you anymore and I don’t know what I’m going to do without that.
53rd Academy Awards (1981)
- Best Supporting Actor: Timothy Hutton; Judd Hirsch; Joe Pesci; Michael O’Keefe; Jason Robards
- Best Actress: Ellen Burstyn, Goldie Hawn, Mary Tyler Moore, Geena Rollins, Sissy Spacek
- Best Director: Robert Redford, David Lynch, Martin Scorsese, Richard Rush, Roman Polanski
- Best Picture: Coal Miner’s Daughter, The Elephant Man, Raging Bull, Ordinary People, Tess
- Best Adapted Screenplay: Ordinary People, Breaker Morant, Coal Miner’s Daughter, The Elephant Man, The Stunt Man
Will Hunting: You paint that?
Sean Maguire: Yeah, you paint?
Will Hunting: It’s a real pice of shit.
Sean Maguire: Well, tell me what you really think.
Being strong not giving up . . . he pushed away the pain so hard, he disconnected himself from the person he loved most. Sometimes when you win, you lose.